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EDITORIAL July 9, 1999 VNN4261 Related VNN Stories Out Of Respect For The True Guru BY ALLANJI EDITORIAL, Jul 9 (VNN) — Dear Narayana Maharaja, Friends and lovers of Krishna, I bow deeply in respect before this assemblage. Premanidhi and I have been very involved in this transformation of Gaura Hari das (GH); aka Balabudra, aka Bhakta Bill, aka William Zodda for the past few weeks and I wish to apologize the very inauspicious behavior of my troubled friend who is undergoing some severe purifications at this time. I pray that he soon does release all this hostility and humbly accepts the mercy of a real spiritual master. I pray that he can once again awaken from this nightmare of spiritual ego he is lost in. I feel so grateful for the association of his wife, Premanidhi since she has shared a very precious gift of pure divine love with me. This mercy was also given to her husband Gaura Hari but he was unable to fully surrender to it's potency since the fire of purification was too much and as gurudev has said..."his mind is not fixed." I feel so wonderful and blessed since I received this shakti/bhakti from my wonderful friend Premanidhi. I am very grateful to her and her guru for giving a poor fool like me some mercy. Thanks so much Narayana Maharaja for sharing your wonderful gifts so generously!!! I find it interesting that now Gaura Hari objects to those words ("mind not fixed") since I believe they accurately describe my dear lost friend. Read the letter below that he sent while enjoying the guru's mercy here and compare it to this very angry, inauspicious letter he sent today and decide for yourself if his mind is fixed or not. While Gaura Hari was under your mercy, I spent several hours with him and he looked so happy and radiant. He told me that he has never been this happy in his entire life and begged his wife to protect him from falling back into the miserable state he was previously in. When she did as he wished he got physical with her and thank god he left before causing her any real physical harm. Both his wife and I have been in almost constant prayer for his soul and to rebuke the demon of spiritual ego and false prestige that has once again taken control of him. This whole episode has taught me much about how difficult it can be to remain on a higher platform when they are unwilling to fully surrender. I know now that false prestige and spiritual ego can be the most difficult items to deal with on the path and only a true bona-fide master like you, Narayana Maharaja, can help someone as lost in spiritual ego as Gaura Hari obviously is. Dear Narayana Maharaja, I beg of you to please excuse my friend for his offensive behavior and if it be for the highest good, I pray that once again you show some mercy to open his heart and show him the error of his ways. Then perhaps there is a chance that he will be able to accept the wonderful love of his wife and really start moving forward in his devotional service. Hari bol! ys, allanji - (janitor for god) Gaura Hari's letter while under the mercy follows: Dear Temple of the Heart members, I felt inspired to share some recent wonderful realizations and personal experiences that are happening to me, due to having close association with Narayana Maharajas uncommonly staunch disciple Premanidhi dasi. Since the time I came to Harbin she has held fast to her position that I was the one covered with false ego, although to me it seemed to be the opposite. The very first day I met her in the dressing room she greeted me graciously in a very loving way, but I reciprocated with a harsh angry look and barked out a very insulting remark. These kinds of exchanges went on for a few days. The more angry and harsh I treated her, the more love and acceptance she kept returning towards me. During these few days I felt the depth of much pain a suffering, but she continued to have this air of loving detachment practically the whole time. Because I felt so hurt and betrayed I was blinded and still could not acknowledge that something very wonderful and uncommon actually had transformed Premanidhis consciousness. I was so angry and blasphemous towards her new Guru because I felt he was my enemy for snatching away my very dear Premanidhi from me. Then one day I was just sitting in the warm pool in the depths of emotional suffering, thinking to myselself how it would be impossible for me to ever feel any forgiveness towards Premanidhi. Then a miraculous change took place. The energy of emotional feelings of betrayal and deep hate entered a gateway in my heart and my feeling state underwent a radical shift. Like a blooming flower that same energy transformed itself into nothing but unconditional love, forgiveness, and a feeling of letting go of the way things were and simultaneously accepting the way things were in that very moment. I realized that my painful baptism was nothing more than a process of letting go of control in order to enter a magnanimous state of unconditional loving acceptance. I have had glimpses of this level a few times in the past. It became very clear to me that in order live from this altitude of consciousness, somehow one has to let go trying to interfere with the way Krishna is arranging or rearranging His lila in this world. If we are too attached to having anything a certain way, then when He moves something in or out of our lives, or makes some changes in our relationships, we react and suffer due to such attachments. This suffering can be very good for us because it exposes many unconscious attachments and desires that are obstacles to our progressive spiritual unfoldment. Right after these realizations were flooding my consciousness, this very beautiful soul Premanidhi enters the pool and I begin to reconnect with her as a totally new person with a deep sense of honor and respect, to a degree that I had never known before. I began to see this wonderful being through the eyes of genuine love. In this wonderful state I was blinded to any previous judgements or harsh feelings towards her. I just eagerly wanted to get reacquainted with this fascinating new and beautiful being. Only by my going through this transformation of consciousness was I able to better perceive the beauty and intuitive wisdom that was always there, shining brightly in her. But because I was too attached to my controlling, forceful, and inappropriate relationship with her earlier, being in denial of my human emotions and recently suffering the hellish feelings of atonement, I could not see such a wonderful realistic perception of her until this moment. I am gradually coming to understand that this transformation in truth was due to her begging for the shelter of her eternal Sat Guru Narayana Maharaja. This very rare and transcendentally loving being gave her his shelter because she was willing to give up everything for it. I, her previous Guru and husband, and her relationship with most of the members of Temple of the Heart had now proved to be an obstacle for getting his amazing mercy and shelter and she let go of these previous connections without any reservations. To get the shelter of this caliber of a Guru, one usually has to be in this mood. I am now so proud of Premanidhi and feel myself the recipient of an increasing wealth of spiritual love due to Premanidhis association. I am not leaving her for a moment. Even though I treated Narayana Maharaja and Premanidhi in such a harsh and undignified way, they are both continuing to shower their love and blessings upon me. During the last few days Premanidhi has been helping me to see many subtle anarthas that were still in my heart, like envy of Vaishnavas, desire for acknowledgement, and honor. Her Guru has empowered her with a light that is helping to illuminate such nasty stool-light energies of the false ego that are still lodged within my being. By gaining this new awareness it is lighting the fire of repentance in my heart and I feel myself giving them up by the mercy of this wonderful Guru Narayana Maharaja. The many wonderful transcendental transformations of personalities, who were covered with false prestige, pride, and envy that I have read about in the lilas of Krishna and Lord Caitanya, I am beginning to experience first hand by undergoing a similar kind of false ego death. This seeming punishment of feeling excruciating emotional pain, betrayal, and injustice I have been receiving over the last few weeks has been the perfect cure for a very difficult to cure disease of the false ego. I am now personally convinced that all this is due to receiving a particle of the mercy of His Divine Grace Bhaktivedanta Narayana Maharaja, who I now can see as a genuine exalted associate of Lord Caitanya. In Caitanya Caritamrta it is said that one cannot know an unknown stone to be a transformational touchstone unless one sees it work. Well, I am seeing this glorious Vaishnava transform a very hard crafty envious heart like mine into a fitting place for the Lord to someday reside. He is so empowered and potent that he is doing it through one of his newly initiated disciples, my Premanidhi dasi. Wow, what a miracle!!!! I feel so good and prosperous to have the association of such an exalted Vaishnava as His Divine Grace Bhaktivedanta Narayana Maharaja and his dear surrendered associates like Premanidhi dasi. I am eternally indebted to them and they are proving to be truly my very life and soul. I am relinquishing the name Gaurahari das that I was audacious to take on my own. You all can now call me Bhakta Bill until and if I am fortunate to receive a spiritual name properly, being accepted by His Divine Grace Bhaktivedanta Narayana Maharaja as his disciple. Celta, can you please make copies of this letter as well and give it to the others. Hare Krishna, Bhakta Bill Zodda Related VNN Stories  Comment on this storyContact VNN about this storySend this story to a friend
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