WORLD 09/07/1998 - 2167 Guru Tattva For Dummies
USA (VNN) - by the Executions Committee of the GBC
Dear devotees:
Please accept our most humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada and, of course his approved followers (we).
Being aware that devotees need guidance to make the most sacred decision of surrendering their lives to a spiritual master, we have decided, by majority vote, for your own sake and eternal benefit what follows. Guru-sastra-sadhu are essential.
There are several scriptures mentioning the qualification of such an eternal spiritual master, and our team of superstar pandits have scrutinized all, very carefully and with the power of insight vision invested by this committee; they were also provided with enough intelligence, discrimination and purity of heart required for this important task. As sadhu advice is also required, they also learned from a group of selected sages, mostly from the US, the holy country, that enlightened them with electronic wisdom and state-of the-art technology, including teaching robots, and were informed as well about international stock marketing.
Because we love you so much, we want to save you the grief of going through all the painful experience of doing the tremendous effort involved in studying all those sacred scriptures, that after all are not so conveniently updated as our ISKCON Law Book, that is full of wisdom and sound advice, and is more than equivalent to sastra. In the very case the student insists in reading the Bhagavad-gita himself, we have a corrected version where all the silly mistakes were wisely corrected by our Jaypandit editor.
Very soon we will have available our CD-ROM version, with interactive spiritual guidance for multimedia computers, where you can reveal your mind and inquire confidentially via our exclusive encrypted technology. We want to save you the grief of figuring out who may or may not be qualified as guru and also the heavy responsibility of doing the selection yourself. Take into consideration that being yourself a conditioned soul, you are prone to commit mistakes, cheat, get illusioned, etc etc. For your convenience, we have selected the very best of our society and we have properly relabeled the devotees able to provide spiritual shelter. This time, as our mahabhagavat series have fallen down, we have conveniently labeled them "Provisionally self-realized". Remember that you always need the mercy of our -registered and approved- acharyas - and they are now only a mouse-click away. We have followed the strict standards that characterize ourselves for this difficult decision and we want you to be aware of that. Whoever agrees with the GBC and becomes as good as we are, is qualified to be guru, no matter if tomorrow he or we will be breaking the regulative principles or involved in criminal acts, as in that case, according to provision 12,795 part b7 section 998 of our Simple Living guide, we will kick him out (we don't know if we can kick ourselves out).
Remember to always keep connected with us as per the status of your guru, either via internet, e-mail or snail-mail. Visit our web site, at http://www.knife.gossip.com that is conveniently updated daily, as the absolute truth is always changing and we want to keep you updated. Be careful not to browse the wrong web site, as you can get distorted information from many black and poisonous snakes, that have their own individual consciousness, although that is strictly prohibited in our resolution 15,745 part x-108, of our Simple Living guide,despite of which they claim to be devotees of the Lord with rights and privileges to pray and chant.
Be attentive at the list of current qualified gurus every week, to see if your guru is still or considered bona fide or is now considered a demon by this executing committee.
When selecting a spiritual master (solely) from the list we provide, try to see how learned he is in computer science, travel itinerary making, and getting funds to cover high expenditure. It is a plus to be US citizen, as per the fine vaisnava costumes we learn from childhood, although you can also find a few smarts found elsewhere Beware of the Gaudiya vaisnavas, particularly the ones speaking Bengali and following the school of Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati, as they may surely misguide you. Don't forget: Never ever dare to think or feel for yourself.
Good luck!
His Highness Torquemada das
New Inquisition Chairman
BSc, MD, PHD of the Executions Committee
P.S. Beware of counter faith so-called sadhus, especially if the are elder and come from India.
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