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EUROPE December 18, 1998 VNN2700 See Related VNN Stories Harikesa Letter to Disciples BY HARIKESA DAS (VIA COM) GERMANY, Dec 18 (VNN) — Is Harikesa speaking of himself when he is saying now: "Some disciples were simply using me to fulfill their material desires while cloaking themselves as spiritualists and spiritual leaders"? The following letter from Harikesa to his disciples may shed some more light on the current mindset of this former ISKCON guru and Chairman of the GBC. Some say it is another attempt of Harikesa to regain control of the dwindling number of disciples who are willing to support him, by redefining his relationship with them ("no socks or bead bags please" - just money?). This after, as some say, recent attempt to iron things out with ISKCON which prompted the GBC to fire Harikesa immeadiately without waiting for the Mayapur meetings in 1999: December 13, 1998 My dear disciples and former disciples, Hare Krsna. This letter is a further clarification of my recent letter to the GBC. It is specifically meant for you. When loving relationships between people are real, they cannot be broken or forgotten due to external circumstances. Although some have rejected me, some think me crazy, some think me offensive, some want to forget me and accept some other guru, and on the other side some think that things are moving in a positive direction, I cannot give up our relationships, for they are real to me. I am the kind of person that when one does something for him, he never forgets this and always tries to work for the benefit of that person. However, I am extremely sensitive and when others think badly about me or start projecting their negative energy on me grossly or subtly, it causes me pain and sickness. Because of this, despite my deep desire to nourish our relationships, I have to a large extent become very disappointed and discouraged in many relationships. I know that some of you are still my great well-wishers and this shows in your support of me at this point. I also know that some of you are actually very deep friends of mine and I very much appreciate this. However, there are some who wish me harm. I can no longer maintain relations and dealings as I did before with each and every one of you. It has become obvious to me that some disciples were simply using me to fulfill their material desires while cloaking themselves as spiritualists and spiritual leaders. Understanding this has been one of my greatest disappointments in life. As more time passes since my collapse, it becomes increasingly clear what each want from me, and more importantly, what I am capable of healthily giving. Understanding this has forced me to reconsider my commitment to my relationships in ISKCON. I have understood that I find it very, very hard to say no to someone. I usually say yes to most things that people want unless it is damaging to themselves, and even then it is very difficult. I never considered saying no to someone when it would be damaging to me. I gave money to almost all who wanted or needed it, I gave my time to everyone, I gave my energy completely to others and I rarely, if ever, had the good judgement to just say, 'enough.' Even when I was on my so-called 'vacation,' I was engaged in working and satisfying the desires of others. A recent experience I had with a devotee who came to help me was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I feel that it is time to write what I honestly feel and think about me and the way in which our relationship can manifest in the future. From this point on I can no longer just accept everything that others want. I will now start to consider what I want and what I need first, and later, perhaps much later, I will again start to consider what others need. At this point in time, and continuing for some indefinite period of indeterminate length, I wish to ask my disciples to stop expecting anything from me. Do not expect me to return to ISKCON, and do not expect me to act towards anyone in any particular manner according to some customs or traditions. Do not expect me to continue working for you as in the past and do not expect me to look as you might think. Do not expect me to be always available to answer letters, phone calls or e-mail. Do not expect communications from me unless there is some need from my side as well. As I have to take care of my life, and especially the needs of my family, I do not have the time, energy or inclination to spend hours each day reading and answering communications from others which do not relate to me according to my situation. I have been sometimes reading letters sent to me when I can, and I enjoy your good wishes. Just know it that I do love you still. Here is an example which can help you understand how that love will manifest. When I got sick, many sent letters with donations which were all taken away by my secretaries and which I never saw again. After the word got out that I wanted to change my life and I hinted that I might get married for I felt this was the best situation for me to survive, all donations stopped. Since that time there were only three occasions when disciples gave me something (outside of my dear friends from Armenia and some from Russia who have turned out to be truly loving people in all respects). I suppose you all thought that if I wanted to do something that you thought was wrong, then you should not give me donations anymore although you write that you love me. Fair enough. Just consider the situation from my side and you will start to understand that I cannot continue to work or worry for your benefit in the same manner, although I love you still. This is an example. Even were you to give me money again, I would not continue in the same way as before. I used the example of the money to show how conditional these so-called spiritual relationships in ISKCON are. They are very dissatisfying and shallow because they are actually impersonal, although it is not so obvious how. I am sure you are wondering how I will relate to you. I wish to be a person who has some knowledge and realization (perhaps a lot) which I can share with you for your benefit. I think that I can actually give you something which you sorely need. I do not mean advice on how to follow the process of sadhana bhakti, simple questions of philosophy, resolving problems in your family life or how to become faithful followers of ISKCON. I do not mean questions of your personal suffering, psychological and emotional disturbances and material needs. Since you can so easily get your other questions answered by the many eagerly awaiting gurus and leaders in ISKCON who are dedicating themselves to protect you from me and what I say, there is no need for me to do that anymore. What I can do is to give you some ideas which will help you mature as people who are endeavoring for perfection along the spiritual path. I am a teacher by nature. It manifests all the time as I am constantly instructing others in all aspects of life. Although some cannot understand it, my knowledge and realizations have only increased in the last year. I am quite aware of many things and am not afraid to explain it to those who are mature and capable of understanding. But one has to want to understand things which are not conforming to the comfortable norms before discussing such ideas. It is not that I will discuss such things every day, neither necessarily with any person who I meet at any particular time of the day or who calls on the phone. When I can and when it is relevant and proper, I will speak to those who can hear and who will benefit from such speeches. In due course of time I will write and this might help some. Do not expect me to be a representative of anyone except my own conscience and hopefully, the desires of the Lord. Do not come to me for healing unless you are invited by me, neither should you ask me for a loan as I have no money to give anymore. Go to Visva Toshani since they took everything in the name of the spiritual organization which will save the world and which is a house in which everyone can live. Since you are all living in the same house, maybe they will help you. As for me, I want a house in which I can live. It is certainly not ISKCON. Do not continue to give me your good advice and tell me what to do. If you wish to pity me and look compassionately upon me in my fallen state, then please write me a letter, put a stamp on it and then throw it away in the nearest garbage can. Let's be friends. You might like to remember what I have done for you in the past. Maybe you will see there was some benefit. Maybe you will feel harmed, misused and exploited. If you feel harmed by me, I am very sorry. I did not want to harm anyone. I did what I was supposed to do enthusiastically for I felt that although I did not agree with everything and much was extremely distasteful to me (most significantly the way the children were dealt with), I had faith that everything was under Krsna's control and He would be pleased with me for following His representative and trying sincerely to change the system from within and thus weed out the rotten and unwanted. I tried to represent the interests of Srila Prabhupada and his organization, ISKCON, as best I could, although many times I felt that the gain for me or others was not reciprocal. While maintaining the interests of the organization, to a large extent I neglected the real interests and needs of myself and the individuals within it. Since I so much neglected myself for the sake of the mission, I also felt I had a right to push others for the mission, and I hid behind the shield of the instructions of Srila Prabhupada which were to print and distribute his books and preach by creating centers and making and training devotees within the structure he created and by cooperating with the GBC. The ends do not justify the means, and certainly idealistic ends create more harm than good. I am very sorry for this. Had I been actually true to myself and what I felt was right, I would have had the strength to stand up earlier and get myself out of the increasingly entangling web before I became too old. I tried this earlier, even in the presence of Srila Prabhupada, but got nowhere. Considering this, I was indeed a dedicated follower. You might feel victimized or exploited by me, but I feel the same way. I feel exploited by the needs of the institution and those within it. Sure, if you look at the past you will see much good, much development and much knowledge. It was not all bad, neither was I all bad. But there were definite problems which were never addressed (indeed they were taboo) and these unresolved problems have cracked my inner strength to go on in the same way as before. I still love Radha and Krsna. I still want to have darsan of the Deities. I still love to chant and hear. I am taking a vacation from so much reading since I have read all the books perhaps 50 or more times and chanting hundreds of millions of times. I still want to serve and do good for others and assist somehow in spreading the real mission of Lord Caitanya (not the ISKCON mission) throughout the world, and doing real welfare work for others. However, I need rest, peace, relaxation, and a long time to heal the wounds which very seriously developed in the momentous year of 1998. The pain in my heart is incredible and it will not go away so easily. It is beyond therapy, beyond chanting, beyond the resolutions of the GBC, or the harsh words expressed by the advanced devotees on COM, or elsewhere, who capitalize on the sufferings of others. It needs time. I am asking you to give me that time. I have been asking this since last summer, but no one wanted to give it to me. Almost all the statements I wrote in those days after my collapse were stopped by others near me and therefore you all thought that I had left you and would not communicate. You heard what they wanted you to hear. When you finally got some messages, they were edited by the GBC and my secretaries. I became more and more frustrated and felt imprisoned and exploited. When I finally got the opportunity to communicate (as they cancelled my COM account rather quickly), the things I said were shocking to those who were not properly informed about my condition from the beginning. I gave you the best I had. Why not reciprocate and help me now? I do not need pictures, socks, bead bags, or flowers. I do not need to have meetings and darsans with you. I need to get a practical life together. Maybe I will do something for you in the future? Who knows? You ask me what you can call me. I have found that disciples who are still close to me call me Visnupada and because they like it, I like it still. It somehow fits. I know it is not the best name since it implies in ISKCON some ongoing responsibility towards my disciples from my side, but as far as names go, it is as good as any other. It is simply a name and not a title or position. If you want to call me that, then go ahead for no one can stop you or even has the right to do so. I do not like being called Harikesa and only use that name when I am at a loss how to identify myself to those I call or write to. If you are interested in my opinion, then do not use that name. I would rather be called Robert than Harikesa, although that is also not the greatest. I would like to be called by some other name in the future. I do not want you to pay obeisances to me. You may, if you really have the feeling to do so, offer respects through your thoughts, words and deeds and this is much more real than some artificial bowing to the ground while the heart and mind is disturbed. Do not chant any pranam mantras to me. Do not do any guru puja for me. Do not have any pictures on your altars. Do not offer your food to me. You can offer it directly to your Deities with love and devotion. (Ah yes, I can hear the pundits now pulling out their hundreds of quotes and millions of lines of arguments. Spare me such polemics, bitte). What can you do? You can think nicely about me and pray intensely to Their Lordships that I will be peaceful and happy in this life and return to Them if this is Their desire. You can help me in my life by assisting me in fulfilling my real needs without the expectation of the returns usually associated with such services in ISKCON. You should not think badly about Kamalasundari devi dasi. You should not be envious of her and think that you should have been in her position. It was and is simply not possible. As far as I can see, I could not have lived with any other of my female disciples for any length of time, so there is no possibility of accepting anyone else. Neither am I going to have any illicit affairs with other women, either grossly or subtly. Neither do I feel a responsibility to maintain or please any other women for any reason. It is not Kamalasundari's fault that this is so, it is simply the way I am. I am a shy and conservative person at heart, and I am very pleased with just devoting myself to her in a loving relationship. Please do not try to come between us, either grossly or subtly. Please do not project your negative energy on us if you have any interests whatsoever to help me. Please do sincerely bless us and pray for our welfare. Give up your former conceptions of me as your figurehead who is the shining example of a leader you will follow back to Godhead. There are already many shining examples in the lives of Lord Caitanya's pure followers and you do not need my life as your example, neither do you need the lives of others in ISKCON or elsewhere. However, everyone does as they like and also thinks as they like, so all I can ultimately say to you is good luck in your progressive advancement of life. I have read some total nonsense written about me, even by those who proclaim to know me. One good piece of advice is to learn through your own experience and not be dependent on the words of others. Certainly one should hear other's opinions and take them into account, but the final understanding should come from you alone and no one else. This is most important in your attempt to understand me (or anyone else, for that matter), if you are at all interested to do so. It is easy to say, 'he is fallen and is to be pitied, rejected, or corrected,' but that will not help me, you, or even ISKCON, very much. Why don't you just wait and see what will happen? Why not make the adjustments in your life to stabilize your economic situation so you are not dependent on some impersonal institution which is controlling you through money and rules? Why not find some personal satisfaction in your relationships with others and develop as a truly spiritual person on this planet? Why not find a community with a heart? Maybe you will be happy. And when you do that, maybe you will understand better what I am doing. Do not let others push you around, or exploit you in the name of spiritual life. Do not let anyone abuse or hurt your children in the name of some archaic and irrelevant system. Do not accept the domination of the cold and metallic male energy which rules ISKCON in the guise of being a loving authority. But do accept the essence of spiritual life. I wish you well. See Related VNN Stories | Comment on this Story This story URL: http://www.vnn.org/europe/EU9812/EU18-2700.html
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