© 1998 VNN
| EUROPE December 9, 1998 VNN2638 See Related VNN Stories Letter From Harikesa Das BY HARIKESA DAS GERMANY, Dec 9 (VNN) — Letter to the GBC from Harikesa. December 8, 1998 Dear GBC members, PAMHO It is important that I write to you about my present situation, how I feel, and the future. There has been much misunderstanding and a clarification is required. I am sorry that I did not communicate before. I had a severe collapse on June 2nd. I needed a long vacation. I tried to take that. During this vacation, I came to the realization that significant changes were required so that I could continue to progress in my life. While going through these changes, I confronted my innermost doubts which I had repressed for so long. While dealing with these thoughts and feelings, I confused different devotees while acting and speaking in an unfamiliar manner. I also acted sometimes out of anger, which was neither good nor productive. Please forgive me for that. I am most concerned for the welfare and future of the children. I have seen for many years that they have been neglected and severely damaged. I have tried to understand why this is so. I have come to terms with the reasons why this happened and my conclusions were startling, even to myself. I stand by these conclusions and will not step back from them, for unless one understands the root cause of a disease, one cannot factually cure it. As we are dealing with people, we cannot overlook their pain simply to maintain some status quo. The child is the father of man. A society which does not care for, protect and nurture its children is a foolish one at best and a sick one as well. Without developing the younger generations, a society is dead. An intelligent person will think deeply about why such things happened in ISKCON and what were the actual causes. While meditating deeply about the situation of the children and seeing parallels in my own life, I came to understand that there were serious mistakes made in the conception of ISKCON by Srila Prabhupada. Please understand, this realization was extremely painful for me and it caused me intense anxiety. However, I cannot deny this, neither will I make the usual adjustments to sidestep the situation through some form of rationalization. I know that this will mean that I am to be rejected by ISKCON, but I cannot be dishonest with myself any longer, neither can I maintain some official position in relation to the institution simply to protect myself. As I have no position in the institution, neither any desire whatsoever to recover one, I have nothing to lose by standing by my convictions, which, although disagreeable to many, make very much sense to me. I do not think that admitting that Srila Prabhupada made mistakes compromises his position as a pure devotee, for everyone within the material world makes mistakes as this is the nature of the material world. Unless the mistakes are deeply understood, there is no question of correcting them. What I said about Prabhupada was in relation to the creation of the institution, managerial affairs, and the difficulty with the understanding of family life. I still love him as a person, as I have always, but I am deeply hurt and need time to recover before I can be more enthusiastic. Certainly he helped me very much and I am indebted and appreciative to him for that. I certainly tried my best to serve him as he wanted, even sometimes against my better judgment, and often at extremely great personal risks, as when I preached in the East. Although others cannot see it, we have resolved the problems within our relationship, and all is fine. I understand that for ISKCON as an institution to come to terms with such an understanding would be almost impossible and I am in no illusion at present that it will happen soon. However, it might be required. You know what I have said about this and there is no need to repeat this here. However, it is important to understand the circumstances surrounding the recording of that infamous tape of early August. I do not remember the exact dates or days of the week when this occurred, but I do remember well the sequence of events. I was deeply thinking for many weeks about my own and ISKCON's problems and finally came to shocking conclusions. This caused me to erupt like a volcano. I was very angry and bitter at how I, and other devotees, had been treated and also how I acted towards others in turn. I was furious about the institutionalized abuse of the women and children, brahmanas and cows, and simply blew up. For two or maximally three, days after that, I spoke to a few devotees, not more than 8 or 12, and definitely not to many on the telephone, as I had been accused. During these turbulent times, my dear disciple Visvadeva das, as well as one other, decided to tape record these conversations. Had he asked me whether he could do that, I would have said no since I was still just developing my ideas and especially my presentation. Besides I was mad as hell and was not going to take it anymore. But due to the way things are done nowadays, he chose to secretly record the conversations. Whatever his externally expressed motivations were, he acted like a spy, and this created enormous animosity between myself and many others. Do you ever get very angry? When you get extremely angry, don't you say things and do things which are not very nice? What if when you are in such an angry condition and saying different things, someone would secretly record you. put it on the internet and play the tape for your children and relatives? How would you feel about that? Further, are words expressed in anger and disappointment to be taken later on as definitive statements? Of course not. And wouldn't any sane family member ask you how you felt about such words after you calmed down? On the third day, I had a discussion with Abhiram das. I expressed many of the things which were previously recorded, but this time in a more calm manner, with much more emotional detachment. He agreed with many things, or at least he said so, but he said something interesting to me. He said that I was harming his internal sentiments and that he could not take that. I respected this and immediately stopped speaking to him about this. After that, I did not speak in the same way. Once I said something milder to Guru Sakti das since he asked, but I did not make it a policy to speak to others about the mistakes of Srila Prabhupada since I did not want to harm their sentiments. I heard a few things which I said in that conversation from a devotee (I have not heard the tapes or seen the transcript) and I laughed at the fury of my expressions. Sure, I feel that my realizations were correct, but definitely not how I must have expressed it in those few days. Some have been pushing me to say why he did what he did, wanting to know some deeper reasoning behind it, but I am not speaking about it, although I have my understanding why. I do feel that there was a plan behind everything and that in the future it will be revealed more clearly. The way these tapes were used against me, especially in Russia, was truly improper. Basically I was trying to help ISKCON in my usual radical manner. I have given up trying to do that, so please do not fear. When devotees come to see me, which is very rare nowadays, we speak about how we were victimized in various ways. They often tell me how I was a very large part of the process and I feel badly for that. There were also some problems with the Visva Toshani money. I am sorry for this and were I to have the choice to do it over, I would not act the same way. However, I was very much cheated, and I can document this exactly to anyone who wishes to know the truth. (The VT people say it was not as I perceived, but I only knew what was happening to me.) Because I felt so cheated, I acted angrily towards those who were supposed to be my friends (disciples?). It was wrong. I later quickly gave up all attachment to these funds and publicly said so. To be clear, this money never was ISKCON money. I do not subscribe to this communistic idea that anything anyone creates while a member of ISKCON belongs to ISKCON. This is not correct. I never signed or spoke any oath which declared otherwise, for I felt it basically wrong and also illegal to make one do so. I have never taken ISKCON funds. In this case, ISKCON did nothing to create that money neither could it create the money or the programs I did while spending it. The credit for the creation of that money goes to Sannyas das (mainly), Brahmika das, Brahmananda Puri das, and to a certain extent myself. It was all done privately. I simply wanted back what was rightfully the property of those who created it. The money would have been used for powerful rehabilitation programs for the damaged ISKCON children and devotees. This was my real reason for wanting it. In 28 years of ISKCON life I can honestly say I never spent one cent on my sense gratification, although others gave me facilities out of their love for me. I was not interested for myself, always for others. I did make mistakes, and there were losses. I calculated that within an 18 month period, I gave or arranged to be given, over 5 million dollars to ISKCON and Mayapur. A large amount of that was spent on children. Further, if you add the almost 3 million that was taken from me by force, this comes to over 8 million dollars given. If someone comes to the temple and gives ten thousand, he is treated like a king. Ambarish das is revered in ISKCON, mainly because he gave some millions. ( He is a wonderful person who I very much like and who can help ISKCON understand how to economically deal with its devotees). I am by far the largest donor in ISKCON's history, yet I am dealt with in a very strange manner. It is a shame. My personal situation is that I am going to marry Kamalasundari dd. She has arranged with her former husband a settlement and he is signing the papers soon. As her close friends know well, her relationship with her former husband was over before I (re)met her, and she had moved from him and got her own flat. It is not because of me that they divorced. I am marrying her because I love her and she loves me. She is a wonderful person with wonderful qualities and we are extremely compatible. I am very happy with this. Neither of us feel that she being a former disciple of mine disturbs this relationship or is somehow less spiritual. One can ask her how she feels about this. I will remain aloof from ISKCON and I will not be under the control of ISKCON, the GBC or others, unless forced to do so. I will remain independent. I will be a well wisher. Although I have the potential to legally harm ISKCON, I did not do it. The German government was eager to get me to work against ISKCON and had I done so it could have meant severe damage in many places. Do not forget that I know everything that happened in great detail. I am not interested to make counterproductive trouble to anyone, but I am interested in helping the people within ISKCON who are so important. To be quite frank, I am not interested in the institution, but rather in SOME of the people within it. Naturally, I am no longer able to tolerate dealing with the few fanatics and insane people. One simply has to look at the November 17th posting on VNN (which I saw for the first time two days ago) to understand that some are truly insane. I will answer that separately. People are more important than things, buildings, positions, money, power, scores, and name. Individuals come first in any spiritual association. I will write separately to my disciples regarding how I would like to deal with those who are still interested in hearing something from me. I expect that you will not be able to deal with me properly and I do not mind and understand. For the sake of the institution, you cannot keep me within your ranks and you must 'protect' the society from me. At present, I do not want to be in ISKCON, neither am I interested in starting my own movement or being some kind of leader. I will live my own life, whatever that may be, under the direct guidance of Their Lordships. I will do good for others, as I always have done in my life. What do I want from you? Nothing really except that you will first of all forgive me for my harshness, and for my acting improperly during the last months. You may do what you like to me, but I will love you still. I am well protected although I fear ISKCON fanatics who might decide that demons like me do not deserve to live peacefully. Perhaps you can help me somehow? Maybe I did something for you in the past? Maybe I can also do something in the future too? Maybe what I have to say and what I have learned could help the devotees? It all depends on desire. I also want that if I sometimes would dare to enter an ISKCON temple, that I be allowed to see the Deities which I love. I will bring no followers (are there any?), and will not speak to anyone except to say Hari Bol and ask about their welfare. I would also like to be able to visit Mayapur and perhaps stay there sometime. I would also like that my room there be preserved as it is now. After all, I paid for it, as well as dozens of flats, and gave lots of money. I have nothing to do with the BBT or BBT money in Russia. I am not instructing anyone to take anything or do anything, although I maintain close personal relationships with many. I am not leading or even instructing the devotees in St Petersburg, although I have given hints how to make economic independence for the devotees and how to keep them interested in worshiping the Deities. You must deal directly with individuals when there are problems with them. Do not ask me to interfere in these situations as I have nothing to do with them. I am sorry for all the trouble I have caused you. Please forgive me. Please give your heartfelt blessings to me and Kamalasundari dd so that we can live a happy life, although I am already quite old. Believe me it is quite difficult to build up a life from the age of 50. I wish you well. I wish that the devotees develop in their Krsna consciousness more and more. I wish that the children will be protected and the spiritual connections between devotees developed and nurtured more and more. I wish you all success in your endeavors to develop love of God and bringing Lord Caitanya's yuga dharma to the world. I end with offering you all my love. I do remain your well wisher. Please tolerate my cutting comments. Good luck to you. See Related VNN Stories This story URL: http://www.vnn.org/europe/EU9812/EU09-2638.html
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