VNN Editorial - Drutakrama's "Guru Species Book"


© 1998 VNN

EDITORIAL

November 14, 1998   VNN2501  

Drutakrama's "Guru Species Book"

BY PADA

HUMOR, Nov 14 (VNN) — Drutakrama says he has been deputed by the GBC to form a new committee to study "The theory of evolution (Darwinism) as it applies to the species of GBC gurus" and write a book on the topic. Drutakrama said: Our study will take some time, but here is what we have uncovered so far; it all started with the "appointed - Gaudiya Matha advisor - we are nikunya yuno - gopis - species" about 1978. Then, he said, various species kind of evolved haphazardly from that point, but the most prominent species became: the big zone, big picture, big vyasasana, big gold watch, big car, big house, big tah-tah female servant --species, which might be called the "guru-maximus species."

Some of these species are reportedly still living, reports Drutakrama, with sightings being observed in places like Beverly Hills (where else?) although, they are now sort of like "living fossils." Drutakrama then said of this era, this was the crude beginning, you know, something like the early La Brea tar pits of the protoplasmic guru age.

Then the post-1977 guru species evolved further, but a little darkly, said Drutakrama, and it became "let us kill our Gaudiya Matha advisor and dissenter species." "This was the somewhat obnoxious sabre tooth guru era," opines Drutakrama, "there was a lot of growling, hissing and teeth baring during this period, and some of the gurus wanted to kill each other, saying, 'I am a better gopi than you.'"

And so, he explained, after doing heavy battle with other gurus, the weary warrior gurus would came back home to have sex, thinking they were ksatriya managers, so why not? This eventually became the "illicit sex with men, women and kids species," which Drutakrama calls the "let's party hardy guru period" or "partyhouse-maximus guru species." However, when the "party hardy guru species" and the "sabre tooth guru" species combined, "you really had to watch your back," according to Drutakrama.

Then there were offshoots from the original species. Are we surprised? The "chop off guru's head slowly with a dull knife in a London store --guru follower's species," a sort of spin-off from the guru species ladder. "I think at this time the gurus should have mixed the party hardy guru --with-- a sort of refined Timothy Leary guru, as Jayatirtha tried, but instead, we got simply more of the sabre tooth element, all due to a DNA mix up, or maybe some bad LSD," opines Drutakrama.

Drutakrama has recently began his scientific study of the cross-dressing guru phenomena. He even has some rare video footage of a "dressing in drag" party filmed by the late Andy Warhol, which depicts some of the fashion statements made by some of his species of gurus: men wearing ladies' dresses. "This was the missing species link that was causing real confusion in our earlier studies," opines Drutakrama, "we did not take this history into consideration and it caused havoc on our data. We have now viewed this video, 'Chelsea Girls,' over and over, and it helped a lot.

Drutakrama went on, It seems that Tamal used to go and pick up someone from one of these cross dressing parties, take him back to the temple, and later he said this guy is a guru. And that is because Tamal is actually following Ram Krishna mission all along, while posing as a Hare Krishna. Ram Krishna also mixed up the gopis, groupies and dopeys together, and Tamal is his best disciple, and that is why the GBC makes him their leader, they are all Rama Krishna followers now. I said, well, I think that maybe Prabhupada was poisoned to introduce their GBC's real Rama Krishna agenda, the mixing of gopis, dopeys and groupies. Drutakrama did not comment on this.

Drutakrama then said, "Our biggest problem here is that when the GBC says that someone is a guru, we cannot allow people to clearly identify if this person was in the actual guru species or not, and so we are trying to cover it up with some disguises and cross dressing species links going on among our GBC's guru species.

In sum, some of you are trying to distinguish the three distinct species, the gopis, the groupies, and the dopeys, but the GBC does not want this to become too distinct, or it will expose their link to the Rama Krishna mission. We know that Srila Prabhupada said that Rama Krishna is going to hell, so imagine how upset people would be if they found out that the GBC was following Rama Krishna all along, so we cannot make this too public. People might demand refunds on their donations!

We want to divert the issue and call this the chameleon guru effect, says Drutakrama. "Your guru might be out meditating on God, or he might be out buying lady's underpants, stockings and lipstick to wear at his Andy Warhol reunion, so this makes it really hard for us to make a conclusive statement." I said, "I really feel your confusion here brother, especially because Hridayananda had some women's underpants in his bathroom according to a report, and Kirtanananda used to say, sex is sex, sex is sex, if you know what I mean brother, very confused."

I told Drutakrama to make sure he gets the film, "Bhavananada does Hollywood," an actual film, where the "guru" drives to various movie star's houses and shows them off while giving timely comments from his pink Cadillac convertible, since this will make a lot of issues more clear for the whole species currently under study. Drutakrama asks that if anyone has this video, to send it to PADA for his species study.

Lately, Drutakrama has had a rare, but stunning, guru species evolving right in front of his eyes. Yes, says Drutakrama, looking very much like Albert Einstein these days, this is something that is rare, even among us guru specious-ologist. The evolution of four way sex pada is a God send, he added, do you know how long some people have to wait to see a living example of this?

You need, ideally, a living example of guru to study, explained Drutakrama, and we really had our prayers answered with this "four way sex pada" development, its really rare. Although we have had already, he said, a huge batch of one-way sex padas who are watching x-rated videos, two-way sex padas, even a few three way sex padas, but, wow, this four way sex pada was a stunning new discovery which ought to make me get into the scholar's text books: "Drutakrama's guru species."

Drutakrama added, the GBC's brand new "guru species study group" will also be co-headed by Ravindra Swarupa dasa, since he is an expert on four way sex pada Rajneesh styled gurus. Ravindra is in charge of searching to see if there are any other less studied examples of, say, "sex with camels, dogs and asses in the guru species derivatives." Drutakrama says the GBC will cooperate, for the first time ever, along with the United Nations commission on sexually transmitted diseases. "We need to combine this research with our 'rare diseases found in the guru species' department, headed by Mukunda goswami, former spokesman for the condom pada investigation committee, another species of the GBC's departments." "It seems that some of our guru's species diseases are only found in green monkeys, pigs, and oddly, leeches dug up along with hypodermic needles at the end of the Santa Monica sewer pipe," says Drutakrama. "This may have something to do with our guru species' high class of hygienic standards, actually sometimes found in the common house fly species, but we are studying further. We are also experimenting with our gurus using condoms," says Drutakrama, "but this is at the experimental stage only." He said this as he was peering into a glass slide with some icky looking goop on it, with a label "special guru's mercy."

Drutakrama then proudly announced that another brand new sub committee, the "(G)BC's Advisory Capacity Committee" (call it "GACC" for short he advised) has been given to Hridayananda. And Hridayananda has been taking special "study classes" in his college on "The great success of the Greeks and Romans because they had so many homosexual leaders," and "How such cultures worshipped homosexuality," as a means of trying to incorporate actual historical models into their guru species study.

Hridayananda says, you know why I'm studying Greek, right? Well, don't you know what the homosexuals are doing when they are "doing Greek" to one another? Hridayananda is going to be the resident GBC expert on the hidden meaning of all of the "naked men" statues used by the Greeks. I said to Drutakrama at this point, well, having been in the high school locker room in my youth, I can certainly understand why pants were invented.

Drutakrama is now apparently taking up special study classes with Hridayananda on these, and simlar important guru evolutionary topics, and PADA will update you as their evolutionary studies progress! Drutakrama said, as a note of caution, some guru species are considered as potential health hazards, and you should only approach these species after seeing that they are duly certified as HIV negative, free of radioactive and/or poisonous vibhuti, etc. with the official GBC GACC logo. Some people have been ignoring the proper GBC GACC guru voting and species certification papers, he warned, and therefore study of the species should only be done by GACC approved agents; state certified experts in chemical, nuclear and biological warfare; or the mechanized robot called "Bull-dog" used by the city bomb squad.

The latest thing that worries us the most, Said Drutakrama, is that some of our gurus have been claiming to be in communication with alien space ships from planet x-nemo, and they may have designs to introduce yet unknown species to the GBC guru lineage. For example, one of our guru species has mystically appeared creeping up underneath a women's night-dress while she was sleeping, and when she woke up, the guru reported that this was due to his being God Almighty, or maybe, it was due to him being tele-ported there by space aliens. He forgot? Her husband appeared at this time, and he was about to beat this guru over the head with a shovel, since he was not buying the alien transport idea at all, summarized Drutakrama.

I then asked Drutakrama, "When did the GBC first notice that there was a serious problem with Harikesha"? He said, the first trouble I heard about was when Harikesha stood up at the 1987 GBC meeting and started yelling, "Attention citizens of earth, this is captain Ank-one, from the gamma sector, we have an important message for your planet..." But, just then Jayapataka jumped up and grabbed Harikesha from behind in a bear hug, and he passed out.

Hey that's all the time we have for now! Drutakrama's guru species report! A PADA exclusive! Stay tuned!

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